The number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict.
What’s sad is the reason that we avoid conflict is because we believe it (conflict) causes divorce.
It’s like the cartoon where the couple explains to the marriage counselor,
“We never talk anymore. We figured out that’s when we do all our fighting.”
In the beginning, we avoid conflict because we are in love and we believe that
“staying in love” is about agreeing, about NOT fighting.
We’re afraid that if we disagree - or fight - we’ll run our marriage off into the ditch.
Later, we avoid conflict because when we try to deal with our differences
things get so out of hand and our fights so destructive and upsetting
that we simply shut down. After a few bad blow-ups we
become determined to avoid conflict at any cost.
Successful couples are those who know how to discuss their differences
in ways that actually strengthen their relationship and improve intimacy.
Successful couples know how to contain their disagreements – how to keep them from
spilling over and contaminating the rest of their relationship.
While it’s true that we don’t get married to handle conflict, if a couple doesn’t
know how – or learn how – to fight or disagree successfully, they won’t be able to
do all the other things they got married to do.
Put another way, it’s hard to take her out to the ball game if you’re not speaking.
Couples are often so determined to avoid disagreements that they shut down – quit speaking.
Couples need to know what the research has found: that every happy, successful couple has
approximately ten areas of “incompatibility” or disagreement that they will never resolve.
Instead, the successful couples learn how to manage the disagreements and live life “around” them
– to love in spite of their areas of difference, and to at least develop understanding and empathy for
their partner’s positions.
The divorce courts have it all wrong. “Irreconcilable differences” – like a bad knee or a chronic back – are
not a reason to divorce. Instead, they are part of every good marriage. Successful couples
learn to dance in spite of their differences. They gain comfort in knowing they know their partner,
know which areas they disagree on and must learn to manage.
They also understand that if they switch partners they’ll just get ten new areas of disagreement, and sadly,
the most distructive will be about the children from their earlier relationships.
In addition to skills for handling disagreements, we also have to learn to welcome and embrace change.
When we marry we promise to stay together till death us do part – but, we don’t promise to stay the same!
That would be deadly dull. We need skills and confidence to welcome, integrate, and negotiate change along the way.
The good news is that the skills or behaviors – behaviors for handling disagreement and conflict,
for integrating change, and for expressing love, intimacy, sex, support,
and appreciation – can all be learned. Couples can unlearn the behaviors that predict divorce –
that destroy love – and replace them with behaviors that keep love alive.
There are many different courses for learning the skills – many from which to choose.
The courses are not about what kind or type of marriage to build
– they give couples the tools to build and maintain the marriage that fits their own dreams.
• There are courses for different stages of relationship and marriage.
Couples can learn the skills at any stage – engaged, cohabiting,
as newlyweds, as new parents, or after many years of marriage.
• The courses are also effective for couples facing serious distress
or contemplating divorce. It turns out that when you learn to interact
in new ways, the feelings of love CAN be revived - can come flowing back.
You can learn to fall in love all over again.
• There are courses designed to teach high school and middle school students the skills
for building good relationships and lasting marriages - to teach them what to look for in a mate.
• There are courses to help dating couples assess the strengths and weaknesses
of their relationship and to learn how to improve the areas in which they have poor skills.
• There are courses designed specifically for the unique challenges of stepfamilies.
• And there are courses for couples facing the adventures of parenting - from first baby,
to adolescents, to empty nests - or for dealing with sexual dysfunction,
substance abuse, domestic violence, adultery, unemployment, dual careers, and illness.
• There are courses adapted for different denominations taught in
churches, synagogues and mosques.
•There are secular courses that are connected to no church or denomination
which are taught in community centers, on military bases, in childbirth classes,
in private practices, prisons, or at the county court house.
•The courses work equally well for any long-term committed relationship.
Courses help cohabiting couples - often can give them the confidence to marry.
There are also courses for committed life-partners, for gay and lesbian couples.
The courses are taught in classroom settings – think teacher, flip chart, “driver’s ed for relationships.”
This is not about therapy, or encounter groups.
Exposing private relationship issues and talking about your problems and feelings
in front of others is not part of the process.
Courses are short, inexpensive, user-friendly and empowering.
Couples enjoy themselves as they gain mastery and become “relationship smart.”
Smart Marriage couples also model the skills for their children
which will slow the divorce rate in future generations.
“Don’t tell us how to have a good marriage, show us.”
The courses offer couples a do-it-yourself solution.
“If you give a man a fish - he can eat for a day;
if you teach him to fish - he can feed his family forever.”
The courses teach couples how to fish! - to solve their own problems over the life
of their marriage and to meet the highs, lows, joys,
challenges….the ‘for better and for worse’ issues - with confidence.
Learn how to become a Marriage Educator.
Diane Sollee
www.smartmarriages.com
Copyright, CMFCE.
Set the course for a successful marriage with advice and tips for the wedding night, the honeymoon, anniversaries and other post-wedding events. Starting with the wedding night, find tips on making your first evening as a married couple unforgettable. Want help planning the honeymoon? Get advice on choosing a trip that suits you both. When you return, find out what lifestyle adjustments to anticipate before the newlywed buzz wears off.
You spend months planning for your wedding. It’s supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life. So why do you feel so glum now that the big day has come and gone? It’s called the post-wedding blues, and it’s not uncommon.
Difficulty: Moderate
Step One
Recognize what you’re feeling and know that you are not alone. Many brides struggle after their wedding because suddenly they have no wedding-related tasks, no hectic schedule and no planning to do for the big event.
Step Two
Take time to reflect and enjoy the favorite moments from your wedding. Review your wedding photo and video, if you had one made. Relish in the memories of your special day.
Step Three
Take care of post-wedding duties, such as thank-you notes and the cleaning and storing of your wedding gown and veil. Instead of focusing on sadness that the wedding has come and gone, consider these things as steps moving forward and looking towards a happily married future.
Step Four
Share your feelings with your spouse and ease into married life. Take advantage of this new found down time and plan activities and dates that you didn’t have time for while you were wrapped up in pre-wedding planning. Remember, the wedding was about your marriage to your best friend and life partner, so let that be your focus moving forward!
Now that you’ve found your spouse, you want to stay together the rest of your lives, enjoying a happy marriage. But good intentions alone aren’t enough to get you there. After you say “I do,” there are some things you must do to build a great marriage.
Here are nine factors that will help you and your spouse enjoy a happy marriage that lasts:
Establish cherishing attitudes. Honestly ask yourself what your marriage is worth to you. Once you realize how important it truly is, decide to do all you can to invest in it by showing your spouse how much you value him or her. Think about the ways you’ve invalidated your spouse lately, through disrespectful behaviors like rolling your eyes, name-calling, cursing, mocking, ridiculing, comparing unfavorably to others, being physically aggressive, assuming the worst, neglecting, ignoring, etc. Once you recognize your pattern of invalidating your spouse, commit to stop each specific invalidating behavior.
Ask God to help you respect and cherish your spouse. Let your spouse know regularly that he or she is important to you. Decide to cherish your spouse regardless of whether or not your spouse is currently cherishing you or whether or not you feel like your spouse deserves it. Offer a cherishing attitude to your spouse as a gift given unconditionally. Pray for the ability to refrain from invalidating behaviors, focus on your spouse’s good qualities and express appreciation for them.
Pursue financial security. Keep in mind that your marriage is more important than your money. Consider whether or not your financial decisions are making your marriage better. Ask: “When you disagree about money matters, do you resolve the conflict in a way that reduces stress and arguments?”, “Do your financial priorities foster unity and bring you closer together?”, “Do your spending habits promote honesty between the two of you?,” “Do you each show appreciation for the contributions that your spouse brings to the finances (through income, saving, etc.)?”, “Are you adequately preparing for your future together (children, medical expenses, emergencies, retirement)?”, “Do you challenge each other to be less selfish and more giving with money?”, “and “Do your financial habits reflect both of your individual needs for security?”
Pursue financial security for the sake of a better marriage, but never compromise your marriage for the sake of money. The next time you get into a disagreement about money, hold hands while you talk to defuse tension. Make sure you notice and compliment your spouse whenever he or she does something to improve your finances, such as saving money on a purchase or working overtime. Mutually decide on what amount of money neither of you should spend without discussing it with each other first. Choose one or several charities or other organizations to support financially together. If you identify a destructive pattern in the way you handle finances that continually threatens your marriage, do whatever you can to solve the problem (visit a financial planner, eliminate credit cards, downsize to a smaller house or car, etc.).
Discover sexual satisfaction. Realize that sexual satisfaction always grows out of a loving, nurturing relationship rather than just a quest for personal fulfillment. Think of how you can best love your spouse instead of what you can get out of your relationship. Remember that an extraordinary marriage requires sacrifice and selflessness. Talk honestly with your spouse about what’s good and what’s not in your sex life. Lovingly share concerns. Pursue a sex life that capitalizes on the strengths both of you bring to it. Aim for sex that connects you physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If you’re a husband, let your wife know why she’s special to you, recognize when it’s not the right time for sex, don’t rush lovemaking, and emphasize the love and connection you share. If you’re a wife, acknowledge the intensity of your husband’s sex drive and enjoy the fact that he’s attracted to you, do your best to be available when he wants intimacy, be playful, and don’t hesitate to initiate intimacy sometimes.
Spend time together. Know that spending significant amounts of time with your spouse regularly is important because it gives you the opportunity to connect with each other in meaningful and fun ways, strengthening your bond. Realize that if you don’t make spending time together a high priority, you’ll naturally drift apart. Be disciplined about including time with your spouse in your schedule. Aim to have one-on-one time together as often as you can. Take an interest in what your spouse enjoys doing, even when it’s different from what naturally interests you. If your spouse loves a certain activity, give it a try so you all can hopefully do it together. Be willing to compromise on activity choices to be able to spend as much time together as possible. Be creative when thinking of new ideas for activities you and your spouse can enjoy together. Simplify your life to eliminate activities that steal time you could be spending with your spouse (like too much work or TV) and free up time to be together on a regular basis. Every day, try to spend at least 20 to 30 minutes to touch base with each other on what’s going on in your lives. Try to go out on dates each week or every other week.
Use your dates for one of two purposes: either to develop your friendship through fun activities and light conversation, or to deal with one or more issues or problems that have surfaced in your marriage. About every month or two, try to go on an extended date for several hours or a full day. Once or twice a year, plan an overnight, weekend, or week-long date.
Develop genuine friendship. Seek to make your spouse your best friend. Put enough effort into the friendship you share to truly enjoy your time together. Try to make the activities you engage in together exciting. Laugh together. Look forward to spending time together. Make sure you build a friendship that has great depth, where both you and your spouse can fully know each other and be fully known by each other. Ask yourselves: “How deep is our marriage?”, “Have we ever been deeper or shallower?”, “How much of ourselves do we share with each other?”, “What don’t we understand about each other?”, “Is there a topic that’s off-limits in our relationship?”, “Have we kept secrets from each other?”, “Do we keep conversation on the surface, or have we dug further than that?” and “Does one spouse dig more than the other?”
Strive to be more open with your spouse than with anyone else. Support your spouse by being there whenever he or she needs you, and listening well to him or her. Develop strong listening skills by giving your spouse your full attention when he or she speaks, using body language to convey your interest, asking questions, being patient to encourage your spouse to open up, following up later on specific details, and avoiding easy answers or unsolicited advice. Rather than depending too much on your spouse, make sure each of you have some strong same-gender friendships as well. Allow each other time to invest in those friendships, but make sure that your spouse is your absolute best friend.
Value physical attraction. Take care of your body and appearance as a way of respecting both yourself and your spouse. Don’t let your health or hygiene slide, even during periods of high stress. Understand that you don’t need to worry about looking perfect or projecting an unrealistic image (expect your appearance to change in natural ways as you grow older, after you have a baby, etc.), but you should take care of the body you have. Know that putting forth your best effort will help your spouse stay attracted to you, despite the inevitable changes that come through the years. So lose weight, dress nicely, get a haircut, and do whatever else will help you naturally look your best for your spouse. When talking with your spouse about his or her physical appearance, be sensitive and encouraging. Be committed to both staying attractive for your spouse, and staying attracted to your spouse.
Choose to focus on your spouse’s good qualities instead of letting your eyes wander to other people. If you find yourself attracted to someone else, limit your contact with that person. Make your spouse your standard for what’s attractive. Expect that as the love between you and your spouse deepens, you’ll become more attractive to each other over time, since true attractiveness is about the whole person rather than just a certain image.
Chase emotional connectedness. Try to be in a good mood most of the time when you interact with your spouse, but feel free to be honest about how you feel whenever you need to talk to your spouse about something tough you’re going through. Be positive as much as you can (avoiding hurting your spouse when you’re upset), but also create an atmosphere of emotional safety in your marriage so you can talk about issues freely. Give each other space and grace when dealing with emotionally challenging situations. Get to know the values that are important to both you and your spouse, and be willing to compromise to respect a value that matters a lot to your spouse, even if it doesn’t matter much to you. Ask deep questions in conversations with your spouse, to discover his or her feelings about whatever you’re discussing. Pay attention to how various situations affect your spouse emotionally. Listen carefully when your spouse talks about his or her feelings. Support your spouse as you go through life’s emotional journey together, from joy to grief and everything in between.
Guard home harmony. Create an atmosphere of peace in your home. Work to improve your communication skills so you and your spouse can clearly understand what each other says and how to interpret it. Pay attention to using accurate and non-threatening words, listening carefully and respectfully, and using body language and tone of voice well to convey messages. Don’t let unresolved conflict sap the strength of your marriage. Learn how to solve problems and end disagreements calmly and in mutually beneficial ways. Apologize whenever you hurt your spouse, and forgive your spouse when he or she apologizes to you. Express your affection for your spouse regularly through loving words, kind actions, and hugs and kisses. Make your home a welcoming place to which both of you look forward to returning each day.
Build spiritual fusion. Realize that the factor that can make the most profound impact on all the other areas of your marriage is a relationship with Jesus. Expect that the closer you and your spouse each grow to Him, the closer you’ll grow to each other, as well. Invite Jesus to use your marriage as a powerful tool to help both you and your spouse grow into the people He wants you to become. Pray together regularly. Talk together about your spiritual lives often. Read the Bible together and discuss what it means to you. Actively participate in a church together. Instead of relying on just your own limited strength to make your marriage work, rely on the unlimited strength that God provides.
Whitney Hopler
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
Editor’s Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Dan Seaborn and Peter Newhouse’s new book, The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life!,
Are you in love? If you are asking yourself this question, it’s obviously a possibility. If you want to know for sure, take a glance at the following checklist to see how many of the following love signs you are seeing.
You get butterflies in your stomach. When people first starting dating, you may hear them say they have butterflies in their stomach. The truth is that what they are experiencing is the jitters because, like the creatures themselves, butterflies take some time to develop. Even after you’ve dated someone for a long time and the jitters stop, the butterflies are still there. It’s when they are no longer there that it’s time to worry, but you know you’re in love whenever they’re around.
When you think about the future, you envision him/her in it. If someone asked you how you see your life in 5 or 10 years from now? What’s the first thought that comes into your mind and, more importantly, who is there with you? If you foresee a future with your current partner, you may be in love.
After a difficult day, he/she makes everything seem better. Whether you’ve had a difficult day at work or just feel awful for whatever reason, your love interest should be able to make you forget about everything. If all of the bad goes right out the window when you’re together, take comfort in knowing that you’re in love.
You think of your sweetheart
’s needs before your own. Selflessness is one of the single best examples of love because it shows that you are putting the other person first. This doesn’t mean that you forget about everything that’s important to you, but it does mean that you keep your partner’s interests at heart and always do what you can to make them happy.
Several days apart feel like an eternity. Do you miss your mate when work gets in the way or a vacation has the two of you temporarily apart? If you can’t wait to get back just to hear their voice, see their smile or find out what he/she is doing, you’re in love.
When you think of him/her or say their name, you can’t stop smiling. Ok, this is the true test of love. How many times have you watched as people talk about their significant other and a smile suddenly crosses their face? When this happens, what do you think? It’s obvious, they are in love with their mate and if you cannot stop smiling when speaking about your sweetheart, you too are in love.
You feel loved when you are together. What makes us fall in love with someone? Is it their kind heart, honesty or because we just feel unexplainably happy when together? One of the most attractive characteristics about someone is their ability to make us feel loved, cherished and appreciated. If you feel all of this when you are with your mate, love is definitely in the air.
